To be completely honest – I have been feeling the happiest I’ve ever been these past few months, and June in particular was a highlight in my year so far. I’ve tentatively shared these feelings in previous posts, but not quite as boldly. I feel joy and guilt in equal measure, because the world is falling apart, and so many of my loved ones are going through tough times.
For those that know me well, my tough times were pre-COVID. I struggled with mental health and stress for longer than I’d like to admit. There were peaks and troughs, but it was several years of anxiety building and creeping into parts of my life I’d never felt it before.
Without waxing on and this post becoming a navel-gazing showpiece (lol this is a blog, though), I felt myself go from a confident, ambitious person to a worrying, self-doubting, controlling ball of nerves. I started to get nervous to go to meetings at work where I knew I’d have to speak. I felt anxiety about going to big family gatherings. Going to any social gatherings (baby showers, engagement parties, birthday celebrations) became completely unappealing. I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE.
I did ok around my friends and family, but things weren’t great. And I tried all number of things to push back against this disintegration I was feeling, by trying to excel in things I “love”.
This blog – and more specifically, blogging for clout, was one of those things.
The best thing this period of social distancing has done for me, is that it forced me – and the world – to slow down and take a break. I think if I had decided on my own to take a break, it would have been a good temporary fix – but I’d still feel the hustle of the world around me.
I have been able to properly step back, and really take time to feel the things I love, without the ever present hum of “hustle culture” being on in the background.
Blogging about “10 easy ways to maximize your summer closet!” or “How to network efficiently” is not what I love – even if it’s better for search engine optimization. Instagram posting is not what I love – even if it’s a sign of a “successful” blog. Working 10 hours+ a day and excelling in my career is not what I love – even if it will propel me up the corporate ladder.
This moment to breathe has sent me back to writing with a pen and paper. The extra hours in my day not taken up by commuting have given me time to move my body and sleep more. The forced social distancing has shown me that I’m actually pretty happy on my own, and not with a calendar full of social obligations.
I feel like a completely different person than I did just a few months ago, and I’ll never take the lessons I’ve been able to learn during this time for granted. I know I’m in a much more fortunate position than most right now, and it’s not something I forget or neglect.
Thank you for reading 🙂 It means a lot to me that there are some of you out there that find this interesting, and read my blog no matter what the content is. xox