I haven’t really been using a scale regularly over the past few years, but Azim bought one recently and I stepped on it out of curiosity. When I saw the number I felt a range of emotions.
The first: instinctual shame and sadness, ground into me from before I even hit puberty. The wish to fit into my Asian heritage and be more like my naturally thin cousins, to be better.
The second: confidence, brought on from self-awareness and the practice I’ve been doing from cognitive behavioural therapy. The comprehension that my beauty ideals are not in line with my values, and I don’t need to be better. I’m already enough (more than enough. I’m kind of a lot to handle 🙂 ).
I’ve wasted too many years holding myself to an arbitrary number. For the past year I’ve been living more freely when it comes to my diet – I’m still active, still healthy – but with no guilt or shame. I don’t wake up everyday feeling like this, it takes work. But I’m not looking back…
At least. Not until I reach into my closet for a cool pair of jeans or beautiful top that does not fit anymore. THAT is the hardest part of this journey so far.
For obvious reasons, I love my wardrobe. My clothes are not just “things”. I have a visceral attachment to them, and they bring me a lot of joy. I know that seems downright crazy to some, but fashion is kind of a passion of mine 🙂
I’m conflicted. Should I give them away? Hold on to them in the hopes that my body will change and I fit into them again? In my head, I have a conversation with them, and it goes like this:
Me: Hello beautiful, expensive, perfect pieces. Hello vintage dresses, one-of-a-kind blazers, and cool jeans. We had some good times, but I’m happier now. It’s time to move on.
Ex-clothing: Are you effing kidding right now? Lol do you even know how much you spent on us? We’re irreplaceable. You need to cut the carbs and get back over here.
Me: You kind of are irreplaceable… But my mental health is better! I’m tired of dieting. I work out regularly, it’s more sustainable now that I’m doing it for my mind and not my body.
Ex-clothing: You should probably increase those workouts. You know you’re starting to look heavier in your pictures. People are probably noticing, and they’re going to judge you for it. You looked way hotter when you were with us.
Me: People probably are noticing. And if they are judging me, or feeling any type of way, then that’s because they’ve also internalized the beauty standards that are ingrained in all of us by the patriarchy. If they judge me, that’s on them. And I hope they feel as liberated as I do one day.
Ex-clothing: So, you’re just going to leave us behind? Just like that?! We make you happy too!
Me: You did make me happy, and honestly, not to be creepy, but just looking at you still makes me happy. I have gooood taste 😉 I don’t know what to do.
Ex-clothing: Should we take a trip to the tailor? Some of us are flexible and can give you a bit of space.
Me: Fab idea.
What do you do with the clothes you’ve grown out of? Do you keep them around “just in case”? Or is it easy for you to let them go? I’d love to know!
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