So, what does depression feel like?
I wrote this post originally for my newsletter subscribers, but thought I’d share here on the blog in case it helps anyone who lands on this page:
I'm writing this to you as I slowly emerge from a cycle of depression. I have lived with depression for most of my adult life.
This might surprise some of you, because most of the time I'm pretty upbeat and come across as an affable friend/coworker. The reality is that a lot of people who seem happy and lead "normal" lives suffer with depression. It affects everyone differently. Today I wanted to share what it feels like for me in an effort to shine a light on how invisible illnesses take a toll.
What does it feel like?
Fortunately for me, I don't live with depression every single day, but I do go through cycles. Typically once a year, triggered by stress or big changes, and it can last a month, sometimes up to 3 or 4 months.
The best way I can describe it is...heavy. There are days when I'm depressed that my mind tries to fight it, as if I'm swimming to shore from deep, dark water – I try gratitude and concentrating on things to look forward to, but my depression pulls me under. The word sadness is too one-dimensional. It's more like despair, hopelessness, and numbness. Everything seems pointless, and the smallest tasks are insurmountable. It's like going from technicolour to black and white.
What does it look like?
I think this is where it varies from person to person. If my cycle is really intense, then I am unable to function. I have to take time off work and I quite literally can't bring myself to get out of bed. I contemplate the point of my existence and being asleep feels better than being awake. I've only experienced this twice before (and it was scary).
The majority of the time, I am still able to function. I go to work and am recognized as a "high performer" – I've received awards, raises, and promotions through some of my depressive cycles. But it is 1000x harder.
Here's how it looks:
Easy things become very challenging. An email that would have taken me 2 minutes to write and send will take an hour.
I pull into myself, often cancelling all non-essential meetings and hangouts with friends.
I can still work, but often take breaks to lie down or cry. When I was depressed last year I would call my Dad on my lunch breaks to sob, and would cut our calls two minutes before my next meeting to put on my "normal" face.
Things I normally love and feel passionate about seem pointless.
I stop exercising and caring about my body.
What makes it better?
The number one thing that keeps me afloat in the deep dark water is compassion and understanding. I think the worst part of being depressed for me personally is the guilt. I feel SO guilty for not reaching out to friends and checking in, or for burdening my loved ones with my inability to cope. Luckily my friends are completely understanding, and my family is a solid support system that knows that mental illness is an illness – I may not be wearing a cast or have stitches, but the symptoms are nonetheless very real.
The next best thing is going for walks. Even if my workout routine becomes unmanageable, I still try to force myself outside for 30-minute walks. I never regret it and always feel better.
I haven't taken medication yet, but I am considering it. I think medication is a lifesaver for many, and we're so lucky to have it available to us.
Final thoughts...
For some of you, everything I've written above may seem familiar. You may suffer from depression yourself, or know someone intimately who does. For others, your baseline for happiness might be a few notches higher, and what I've described seems unimaginable.
Either way, my hope is this: the next time you get frustrated with a coworker for taking longer than usual to respond, or if a friend cancels or feels absent, consider that they might need some recovery time.
A good way to put yourself in their shoes: Recall a time when you've felt really sick or had a bad headache, and had to cancel on a friend or drop an obligation – how relieved were you when the other person was super understanding?
Thank you for reading, and for giving me the space and grace to share xox